Woah! Well, that was a crazy few days. Thankfully I feel my normal self again now (which, thanks to this journey, some might describe as a bit irrational at times anyway), but for a day or two there I seriously felt on the edge. So much for the Zen like state I talked about in my last blog! Here’s how my first Clomid experience went …
I took the first Clomid tablet on Thursday night. It went down quite easily, and I imagined the good work it would do within my body. I had read that there could be some side effects, but didn’t think too much of it as I haven’t ever had a strong adverse reaction to any medication before. That night was not a great night sleep. I ended up getting to sleep really late, and my little one was up ridiculously early. Now, I’m never great without a good night sleep at the best of times, but the next day I was INSANE! No sleep and Clomid did bad things to my emotions. The smallest thing caused me to burst into feelings of rage, impatience or irritation beyond anything I experience during PMT. I cancelled everything we had planned that day, wallowed in my emotions and hid away from the world.
The irony was that this fertility med that I took (combined with a lack of sleep) to try to get me pregnant made me lose all my patience with my little one, and took away all the enjoyment I usually get from our time together. We cozied up for the day (because a duvet day was all I could muster), and my little one, probably wondering what entity had taken over Mum’s body, was gentle and sweet and tried to raise a smile from me. I try so hard to keep the emotional torment of this journey hidden from my little one. It’s ok and healthy to see parents dealing with negative emotions here and there, but sometimes on this journey they are so overwhelming for me; I don’t want her to see where they take me. It’s too dark there.
But on this day after the first Clomid, I could not hide things away. I could not pretend.
They say that having a child fills a space you didn’t even know was empty. I’m not sure those trying to conceive their first would agree, as I’m sure they feel the empty space acutely, but I understand the what it means . I desperately wanted a child when we got pregnant with our little one ( I didn’t have the pain of waiting for a pregnancy that time), and when she arrived the intensity of the cluster of emotions overwhelmed me in those early weeks. I can’t tell you how amazingly scary it was to feel what I felt, and it took me by surprise that I could feel that deeply despite my readiness to be a mother. Now I know that space is there for a second little miracle to fill. I know how it feels and like an addiction I want more. Sorry. I’ve digressed. Let’s get back to the Clomid experience …
The day after was better. I felt more level, more emotionally stable, but drained. The calm after the storm. My head seemed silent after the rush of thoughts and emotions of the previous day.
The next day I felt better again, and I gradually adapted to the meds and felt more myself. I noticed some fuzzy head type sensations during the evening, in the hours after taking Clomid but apparently it can affect mental alertness, so I think that it is normal.
So here I am, CD14 and waiting for the main event, the reason for taking this crazy Clomid. Nothing. Yet. No sign of ovulation. Yet. I’m starting to get impatient because as I ovulate anyway, I was hoping it would make me ovulate in a more normal length of time and iron out a few irregularities. Oh come on body! My emotions went to hell and back in a day to help you out. Ovulate, damn you!