Unexplained Infertility messes with your head. Well, all infertility does, I know, but I’m an unexplained case; that is what I know and it confuses me. Sometimes I wish I had a reason why things haven’t worked out; a reason that was fixable, or gave us a clear plan in itself. I’m sure this wouldn’t make the pain any easier to bear, but the guess work involved in unexplained infertility sends the mind in to such a spin that sometimes it forces me to question what I really believe about myself and life.
Ridiculously, I feel like it would be more acceptable to society to be able to state a biological issue. Society would give a sympathetic smile, tilt its head and say, ‘Ah, that’s tough. I’m sorry. I hope the Docs can help you out.’ I cringe each time I’m asked if I plan (oh, if it was just that easy!) on having a child, sense the white elephant in the room when it’s not and hear the whispers in the background. It’s like I can hear their thoughts, awkwardly wanting to know the details. Society scrunches its eyebrows, confused and says, ‘Oh, you must be stressed out, you need to relax. Maybe you’re timing things wrong.’ Unexplained infertility feels like a dirty little secret. It feels like we are doing something wrong, messing things up for ourselves. The reality is that society isn’t society at all; it’s me. My inner demon. My own insecurities that have risen from this journey. The only thing I’ve got from those I have spoken to is support and/or sympathy. Although sympathy riles me. I don’t want your freakin’ sympathy! It is of no use to me. Support, great, but sympathy, no thanks.
I hate how I can feel so secretively angry with the world, and how infertility can make you feel like an outcast. Being ‘unexplained’ is isolating. It feels like no one wants to look deeper and that you are the only one trying to find a way to be ‘explained’. Above all, it makes no sense to me why, if everything appears to be working normally, a couple can’t get pregnant. It just doesn’t compute. Logically, there must be something causing a problem and it just hasn’t or can’t be picked up by conventional medicine. That opens up a whole new can of worms …Hours have been spent online trying to find something that might make sense and apply to me, only to feel like I’m trying to escape from inside a room with no windows and no doors. Unfixable. And yet the normal test results giving hope that one month, your body will miraculously fix itself. I feel like I’m spinning between infertility and the possibility of not being able to complete us naturally, and fertility, and the real possibility that any month could be the one when everything just falls in to place.
Not having a reason for our infertility issues, or lack of them, leads me to unhelpful thinking in the dark days. I think such negative things, all in attempt to find an explanation. For example, did I do something wrong in a previous life? Is this punishment for something? Could I be doing a better job with the Little One? Do I need to prove myself? Why do people less deserving get to be so fertile? Who am I to be so judgemental about whether anyone deserves a child? Maybe I’m being selfish and need to focus more on giving something to the world, rather than what I get out of reproducing? Maybe I wouldn’t cope with another child? See, really negative and unhelpful thinking … I don’t know what I think of past lives, or higher beings that make decisions about our life path. I’ve pondered these things before, but not in times of duress. Not when I feel I need a definitive answer. It’s crazy how the mind wants any explanation, even if it is something awful, just to know. To get some warped sense of peace. Luckily, my dark days pass quickly and I spend a lot of a cycle in the light, so I’m pretty sure I am not being punished because I think life is about balance. I have a wonderful life, but I am not immune to struggles. That is life. It is beautiful, ugly, cruel, kind, angry, calm, light and dark. For probably no reason at all, we have been in a difficult struggle for a while, but I know brighter times are ahead in some shape or form. There will be something positive to balance this negative.