Joy of joys, it looks like my period is imminent. A-bloody-GAIN! See what I did there? Pun intended. This is just totally messed up. Wrong. Unfair. I really don’t know what will change the outcome of each cycle. I’m at a loss. I feel like we have tried everything bar invasive intervention, and nothing is working. Right now I feel like this situation is something I will just have to accept. I don’t think I’m the sort of person that is very good at accepting a situation that I want to change. I kinda wish I was. We opened up Pandora’s Box and picked out Secondary Unexplained Infertility. I wish I could put it back in the box. Move on.
Ok, so I fell off the clean eating wagon this month. In a medium size way though. Not enough to punish me with another failed cycle! A girl deserves some treats occasionally, right? And anyway, it’s not like all the effort I put in to clean eating in the last 9 months or so has miraculously solved the problem. What else might have affected the outcome of this first clomid cycle of ours? I didn’t manage my stress/irritability levels well in the days after ovulation. Could that have been part of the problem? Was it the few glasses of wine I had the other evening? Why didn’t clomid work? You see, I need a reason. I need to try and explain why it’s not working each time. But this is the very thing that torments me. I have no reasons. My Doctor has no reasons. There is nothing to fix. What the hell is that all about? I feel let down by Western Medicine. It cannot find the reason for the fact that I cannot do something I was born to do.
So, today I had some spotting. Some minor cramps too. With my period due over the next couple of days, holding on to hope is futile. I know that. Yet a part of me will pray that these symptoms of PMT are pregnancy symptoms.
I will be back soon, tears in tow …