I said I would be back, and after my little rant on Secondary Infertility yesterday, here I am to update you on the current status of this infertile Mumma. It seems my uterus is still not the fertile place it needs to be to grow a person. The monthly spotting has continued since the weekend, and my heart is heavy as I write this, as I’m sure this is the beginning of the end, again. My goodness, the ups and downs of a cycle are super draining. At the beginning of a new cycle, the blood washes the defeat and failure and pain of another unsuccessful month away, until you feel empty of emotion and there are no more tears to cry. Renewed hope and positivity then rise out of the emptiness and you dare to hope that this month will be different. Once ovulation passes, the tension rises as you creep closer to 14 DPO and judgement day. It takes its toll on even the strongest of people. I have always considered myself a good manager of stress and pressure. But this is breaking me. I don’t know how much more of these downs I can take. I just want this period to arrive ASAP so that I can move on to the better bit, the hope. Although I wonder whether one cycle, I just won’t have any. Maybe I won’t want to try anymore. I guess that is when I will know that I’m broken emotionally. That I really can’t take anymore.
Let me tell you a bit more about the annoying spotting. I am an excessive spotter. Each month is different, but I can spot anywhere from about 6 or 7 DPO. And it can be heavy sometimes, which means I can be protecting my underwear for up to two weeks out of a cycle. Ughhh. It’s a hassle. I never used to spot before a period at all. Not until I conceived my little one, when I had about 5 days of spotting. Implantation spotting I guess. Then I never had it again. Until I began TTC number 2. From the first month we tried. Yep, that’s a coincidence, right? The doctors I have seen so far have little concern about it, but I think it is a clue to whatever is happening or not happening during this journey for us. I actually believe that the months I have spotted from 6 or 7 DPO are failed implantations, and the months where I spot for 3 or 4 days before are just weird and I don’t have an explanation for that. Nor does anyone else. Miss Acupuncture has had some success at reducing the spotting. It is generally lighter, and I have less days of it in general (if not a suspected failed implantation). The spotting is a strange thing for me during the TWW. If I get spotting at 7DPO I have a rush of excitement, as I am reminded of the conception of our little one. But I also know it can mean nothing, as have the days of spotting during every one of the 20 cycles I have been TTC number 2. It also is a reminder that my body is failing me, and it torments me by getting heavy and then easing off again in the day or so before my period begins, tricking me into hoping it is implantation spotting. Not letting me forget about impending period. This drives me mental. And that brings me to where I am today. I’m approximately 13 DPO, my temperature this morning was still beautifully high, but the spotting is here with a vengeance and I know I am just waiting for the inevitable. Cue stomping around the house, hot with anger, my eyes burning with tears and my chest tight with the pain of sadness. Tonight I will grab my hot water bottle, some chocolate, a blanket and watch some trashy television with hubby.
So, world, I will see you again when I surface from under my blanket and am ready to face you.