Ok. The PMT this month was bad. Really bad. Darn Clomid making me crazy! But as always, I feel better now that the period is several days under way and I have the chance to start afresh. I know I have to kick the frustration, anger and anxiety to the kerb. I know those emotions are more than likely Enemy Number 1, and that controlling those feelings would give me a much better chance of getting pregnant. It is so complicated though. This long wait is one of the biggest contributors to my emotions, but it’s not straightforward. There are other issues that are probably causing my infertility (they are nothing too major but when everything comes at once, it gets complicated, right?) and from my infertility other issues arise. I sound messed up. I’m not. Ok, maybe a little. I need to find a way to see things clearly and manage each issue.
The most ironic thing is that parenting can cause me some anxiety which is probably affecting my fertility. Now let me tell you this. I LOVE being a parent to my little one. She has been the most rewarding and amazingly beautiful thing in my life. I never knew I could love someone like I love her. I have immense love for my husband, but love for a child is different. Not more. Different. Totally different. Parenting is busy, frustrating, thought provoking, funny, loving, exciting, scary and challenging. It is also one big worry. I think that is one of the things that makes your love for your child so unique. I worry for her, I worry about her, feel her pain, her elation. I want to protect her from everything because the thought of her hurting emotionally or physically tears me up inside. And then I worry some more that I can’t always protect her. The little one can also drive me utterly batty occasionally, and I find those times extremely stressful.
It is exhausting when she is ill.
It is challenging when she pushes the boundaries.
It hurts when she is upset.
It is a worry when she has to take the next step in her life.
It is a wrench to be apart from her.
It is claustrophobic when we are together.
It is difficult to watch her become frustrated.
It is a pressure to do the right thing.
BUT, it is wonderful. A truly wonderful experience being a mother.
I hear the word Mummy, and it is directed at me. I know the little one loves me unconditionally. I know only I can make her feel better. I know it is me who she thinks of first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I have a best friend in her, and she one in me. It is amazing to watch the little one and my husband play and laugh together or cuddle up and read a book. It warms our hearts to look at her sleeping face each night, smile at each other and know we made her. I MUST remind myself of these things every day.
I am so blessed. I know that. Yes it isn’t always easy being a parent. Yes it isn’t easy at all that she is an only child. When she was born, and for a while through that warm, fuzzy haze of becoming a parent, I thought that everything would be OK in the world from then on. That nothing would matter because we had her and she made us ecstatically happy. Of course, the reality is she makes us ridiculously happy and proud but we still have difficult times to face even if our life is theoretically perfect. I guess that underneath these emotional rough seas it still remains true. Everything will be OK because we have her. I have to focus on doing the best job by her, and make every second with her count so that yes, even if my body fails me I can look back and know that I never failed the little one.
And a message to my child who is yet to be conceived; I am your Mum too. Even though you haven’t chosen to come to us … yet. We are here, waiting for you, already loving you. It’s a day late, but Happy Mother’s Day to me.