Little One has been rather demanding this week. And this is tough, because I have started my second round of Clomid this week, and my patience is at zero. I have felt pretty good at times, but at others
my mood can just crash and I can go from happy and smiley to irritable in under a second. It gets so messed up and complicated, because my emotions feel so real and Little One’s minxy behaviour has made me feel quite stressed, but I know she isn’t doing anything really bad. She whined a little at the shop, hung off my leg and then wandered a bit further away from me than I was comfortable with. But this was all happening whilst I was trying to find the B6 complex that I read could help iron out some fertility issues. It was a stressful ten minutes. When I got her back to the car, I told her what she did that made me feel stressed out. She looked remorseful, and a bit shocked, as if she really was sorry but didn’t think she had done anything that crossed the line completely. I drove away feeling teary, knowing that it wasn’t her at all, but me. It was my lack of patience, my meds and my emotions that made tears prick her eyes. My child is a good kid. A really good kid. I have some high expectations of her. I do expect her to behave appropriately, but she is a child and she was ready for lunch and tired, and so in the midst of some low blood sugar level combined with a little lunchtime sleepiness which is always a bad combination. Poor Little One! I give my all to being the best Mother I can be for her, and never feel it’s enough anyway. Mother’s guilt! Throw in some Clomid, and you can times that guilt by 10. I’m sure this is not conducive to conceiving.
Anyways, I digress. I dislike Clomid. A lot. Though I will remove this statement should we happen to get pregnant whilst using it. My face is covered in pimples. Well, I have 3. But it feels like my face is covered. I look in the mirror and see my teenage self, unconfident and hanging hair in front of my face as much as possible to hide them. I am also finding that this month, I’m not feeling irritable constantly as last month, but I’m more up and down. Yesterday I was on a big high, feeling great, having fun with my Little One and feeling like I could take on this unexplained infertility and bat it out of the park. But there have been other moments this week, where my chest is burning again with the hurt, and tears are hovering behind my eyes just waiting for a small reason, any reason, to burst forth. Another side effect I have noted is feeling hot during the night a little, just whilst I take the Clomid. It’s not bad though. I can cope with a hot flush or two. It’s the emotional rollercoaster and zits that make Clomid unlikeable. I was already on a rollercoaster and didn’t need to up the intensity.
Baby making filled my mind this week. I could not think of anything else. I was researching spotting before a period one evening this week (one of my issues during this journey), because although my Dr says it’s not a problem I feel it’s one thing that has changed and may well be some of the problem. I came across a thread in which a girl described the same issue, and felt, as I do some months, that something may be happening but it just doesn’t quite make it. She used Vitamin B6 to help her progesterone and claimed she was pregnant the next month. These forums seem to be full of miracle HPTs but I read some more about B6 and it seems it can indeed help progesterone levels. Now, my progesterone levels have been tested and they are apparently fine and ‘normal’. But my question is, are they normal for me? Maybe not as I spot heavily, which suggest my lining is breaking down a little early? As my Dr isn’t very interested in pursuing and rectifying the spotting then perhaps I can help myself a little here?
The other thing I read was about cinnamon. Yep. You heard me. I found an article from last October, which claimed that there was research that suggested cinnamon could be extremely helpful in regulating cycles and ovulation and specifically talked about ladies with PCOS. I don’t have PCOS, but I do have late ovulation linked to polycystic ovaries (yes, you can have polycystic ovaries without the syndrome apparently). Hey, I thought, a tea spoon of cinnamon in a coffee or in a banana smoothie sounds appealing! It’s worth a shot. I don’t actually drink coffee really, because caffeine is a no-no in the struggling to conceive world, but it still sounds nice.
I’m starting to feel like a lot of time has passed just waiting to see if something will happen, and it hasn’t, so it’s time to get serious and try some of these natural fertility mumbo jumbo-old wives tales – hocus pocus solutions. What if they aren’t mumbo jumbo? What’s the worst that could happen?