Making plans, albeit temporary

So, Clomid round 2 was unsuccessful. We were disappointed as it was another Clomid round with B6 to support progesterone (only 2 days spotting before my period arrived), acupuncture, a lot of baby making sex in the fertile time, and I was really relaxed all cycle. Timing was perfect. If I can get pregnant naturally surely this month should have been the one? My emotional state was a big positive to take from this cycle. I felt really level during the whole two week wait. I think this is because I was feeling accepting of our situation. Getting pregnant is not something I am good at. Feeling in control emotionally makes the weight of infertility a little bit easier to carry. It’s not lighter. I’m just stronger.

So, cycle day 1 arrived and I asked Hubby, “Where do we go next?’ We talked about how I wonder what it will take to change the outcome each month. Hubby is able to see the glass half full, and his reasoning goes along the lines of, “Our tests have come back fine, we just need to get the month where everything just slots in place.” I guess I see the glass half empty or maybe I think more deeply or realistically about it all, because I see 21 failed cycles and can’t see why things would suddenly just work. We have tried numerous things hoping they would give us that extra percent in our chances of conception: honey, vitamins, acupuncture and herbs, diet changes, holidays for relaxation, exercise regime changes and lastly Clomid. I think that one disappoints me the most. I thought that would be THE thing.

After Clomid, the next step is to escalate things and see a fertility specialist. I’m not against this. There are pros, I know. We might find out what the ‘unexplained’ issue actually is, we might actually get some interest from that Dr and most importantly, we might get our complete family. But I’m afraid and melancholy too. As I’ve warbled on about in the last few posts, I am accepting. I really am. But accepting this is what we need to do is also upsetting. Hanging up my natural fertility and asking for help makes me feel sad, and I know it’s OK and that I’m not a failure but I’m still sad to see it go. I’m also afraid because we will take a step closer to the end. It will be so strange to put this era behind us in some ways. Infertility is familiar. I want to be finished with trying to conceive, but putting the lid on that without a baby is a lot scary. If we go on and try maybe IVF and it doesn’t work, well, I will be devastated. It will feel like the end of the road for having our second own biological child, and so I’m afraid to move on to IVF soon because there is nowhere else to go after that. That will be all our ammunition used up. Obviously if it works for us – AMAZING! It’s one of those jumps in life you take that will give you all or nothing. I think I will need to get my headspace to the place where I can jump with total faith.

The other weird thing, is that if we finally get pregnant, we will definitely be done and that will be a peculiar place to be after years of wanting children. I couldn’t ‘want’ to try again and then fail over and over and go through the pain, the hope/disappointment rollercoaster and the distraction. I couldn’t do this again. I guess even though we are living with the uncertainty of what our future family will look like, I must feel that someone is coming, that we are waiting to greet them and that there is another dimension to add. Maybe I’m just not ready to move on from here yet? If this is true, it is subconscious that’s for sure.

For the time being (this may change; as we all know, it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind) we have decided to do another 2 months on Clomid, which will take us pretty much up to 24 months TTC. By that point I think if we are going to do it naturally we would have done, and we will know the Clomid alone isn’t addressing our ‘unexplained’ issues. At that point I think that we will need to seek further intervention, or a second opinion or some new advice at the very least. This is the plan. For now.

Stage 1: Accept

Stage 2: Open the mind

Stage 3: Make a plan

6 thoughts on “Making plans, albeit temporary

  1. Congrats on creating a plan! Sounds like you’ve both thought things through thoroughly (that’s a lot of words with ‘though’) and feeling in control of the plan is 1/2 the battle. I hear you on dragging your feet all the way to the RE. I can’t say I did that, per se, but I do feel that I’ve been reluctant to start ivf partly for that reason. It’s the last resort. If we’re there, we’re truly at the end of this particular road. I’m trying to remain positive until we really call it quits and then i can stuff my face with all the foods I’ve been staying away from that call to my tastebuds. Oh, I’ll be crying but at least I’ll be crying in my cheesecake. Good luck with clomid this month! I hope it’s the one (*and that it doesn’t make you the same kind of raging b*tch it made me!). Also, I’m not sure if it’s helpful or not, but there are options between clomid and ivf. One month at a time..

    • Thanks lovely! Will be interesting to see what suggestions would be made when we meet a specialist as my Gyno sort of said it was IVF or go it alone! A bit scary for me, so I pushed for clomid as a small step towards assistance. Love to you x

  2. Sooooo, this is me being totally (and probably inappropriately) nosy so PLEASE feel free to say “um, not comfortable sharing, thanks for asking.” But will your IVF be covered or will you be paying out of pocket for that step? Ultimately that was the deciding factor for us. With our insurance, all infertility treatments are 100% NOT covered, so our decision was A) spend $20,000-30,000+ on IVF for a biological child, but know there’s no guarantee of getting pregnant or B) spend that money on a domestic adoption for a non-biological child, but know for sure that we would be able to add a baby to our family eventually. It wasn’t an easy choice, but in the end we decided to go the adoption route (getting to that point took years – it was NOT an easy or obvious choice for us, but like I said earlier, now that we’ve made the choice it feels really good:). But if we could have had some infertility treatments covered and not completely depleted our savings I would have totally tried that first!!:)

    [And again, if that’s too personal/weird to talk about the “money” aspect I completely understand! It’s just definitely something that was hard for us because we really had to decide between the two options instead of being able to try everything possible….]

    • Lol! It’s a good question! We do have insurance that will cover a lot of it. We haven’t looked into it in a lot of depth yet but we know we will get a lot of help. Your comment made me think actually. I always think of IVF on and emotional level, but never considered it on a financial level, I guess because we knew we would be able to afford it. But I realise that makes us lucky in ways others aren’t, and perhaps that’s a reason to take the opportunity? Xxx

  3. That’s awesome your insurance will cover so much of the IVF! And yes I definitely think you should feel lucky about that:) You may not need it but at least you have that option. I would think it would be somewhat comforting that, when you’re ready, it’s there:)

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