I read an affirmation card today at my Acupuncture appointment. It said something that spoke loudly to me … ‘Pushing too hard for something only pushes it further away. Ask for it and then let go.’
Considering the conversation I had just had with Miss Acupuncture, I felt like I was getting a clear message about what I need to do.
Let go. Want something, but let it come to you. Maybe it’s a bit like being that desperate teen girl, who has a major crush on some poor lad, and chases it so hard that she actually sends the boy running in the opposite direction. Come on, we have all done it! Perhaps my infertility is one of those situations where letting emotions get the better of me stops me beating it. Like quick sand, I’ve been fighting with frustration and only sinking.
If you have read my last few posts, you will know that I’m working on accepting our situation, creating a plan and opening my mind to different paths on our quest to complete this journey somehow. I had a fantastic cycle last month that didn’t result in a pregnancy, but did result in the birth of a new me I suppose you could say. The last few days though, I have felt a bit defeated. I was feeling like I was accepting our situation, which is good, but that I was just getting negative thoughts about not seeing the future I wanted. I was kinda giving in to the infertility, rather than accepting and opening the gates to new places. I guess I’m a bit stuck at the opening my mind stage.
Miss Acupuncture told me I have a strong mind. Not to blow my own trumpet too much, but I think she is right. I have always been stoic, but in touch with my emotions. I have always been able to deal with stressful situations calmly and logically. I have always been good at coaching myself through difficulties. My inner voice was always firm but kind; wise and helpful. I realise now that 2 years ago this changed. We went through something very stressful (which I don’t write about here, and I apologise if this makes it difficult for you to understand my story completely, but it opens up a whole other can of worms), and I think this somehow altered the way my mind works. I’m only realising now, that perhaps my inner voice, which has always been my guide, turned on me. Miss Acupuncture reckons it would be a massive help to turn my powerful mind back around to help me once again.
The Law of Attraction is a theory that basically says your thoughts become realities. Positive thinking brings positive things to your life, and negative thinking brings negative things to your life. So essentially, desperately wanting this baby but focusing on the emptiness, the worry of how this effects Little One, the fear of a forever empty womb and the panic of passing time means that I am attracting emptiness, negative effects on Little One, an empty womb and encouraging even more time to pass. I like this theory. It’s simple. It means I can do something positive to help us. I just need to re-train myself to think a different way. I need to want a baby but not let frustration, tears and anger control my thoughts. I need to enjoy the now. I need to look forward to a bump and an extended family. I need to let future possibilities, not future failures, take my mind wandering.
I remember when we going to start trying for Little One, I was concerned about my long cycles and what that might been fertility wise. I knew I was ovulating, due to charting and OPKs but I was a little worried that something was wrong. We tried for a couple of months, a possible failed implantation (spotting at 7DPO) but no pregnancy. And do you know what my inner voice said to me then. It said this: “We will have a baby. We will give it a year and if we aren’t pregnant by then, we will see someone and they will get us pregnant.” I replied with a relaxed exhale of air, imagined myself with a baby (at some point, no time restraints) and enjoyed trying to make a baby at the right times. I was too OCD to give up charting. The point is, I asked, I believed and we took the opportunity the next month. And then, ta da, pregnant.
I need to ask for another baby. I need to believe I will have another baby. I need to take the opportunities that come our way.
Stage 4: Project our future reality through thoughts and visualisations.