I haven’t been here for a week or so. It’s been a little busy, but also I just let go. It has been quite novel. I have felt lighter, like a weight has been lifted, and mentally I just feel … I don’t know; maybe less claustrophobic. I’m not sure whether this is down to strong mental strength, or if I just don’t have the energy to harbour all the negative feelings anymore. Have you noticed how draining it is to feel and think negatively? It is so heavy.
My husband and Little One have been at the forefront of my mind lately. This is what is important. That’s not to say extending our family isn’t. Hell, it is desperately important to me. But the hubster and Little One, well, they are here. Right now. With me. Loving me. Needing me. Isn’t this what I want? I always wanted to be a mother. I have a ridiculous maternal streak. I always wanted to be a family. I have that. Infertility has taken my focus away from what I asked for, and what I was given. And oh, how in love with them I am.
In my last post, I talked about focusing on the positives and what our lives will look like (at some point) in the future. I could write a long list about the positives of my life right now. Des.Per.Ate.Ly. Trying. Not. To. Put. In. A. Caveat… And for the future, I can see me holding a newborn, with my husband and my (not so little) daughter smiling down at the baby. I see my daughter helping me feed and change this new little one. I can sense the love between them. I see two car seats in the back seat. I see a newly decorated nursery. I hear giggles as my daughter tickles and coos over her sibling. I feel warm and fuzzy about watching my husband carry this baby, confident and strong and comforting. I feel the joy of soaking up that newborn smell, of being the only person who can stop this baby crying. For the first time in years, I can feel this will happen. I can almost touch the image again it feels so possible. I’m not afraid to dream anymore. The disappointment hurts whether you dare to dream or not.
I’m not naïve. I know that for all the believing in the world, the facts remain that we have not got pregnant in two years of trying. Well timed trying. And statistically, the longer time goes on the odds are against us. If the universe doesn’t answer my call, well … let’s not think about that too much right now. But let’s just say this: I will always have loved the second little person in our lives, whether they make their journey to us or not. Whether through dreaming of them or through the reality of holding them close. When I look back on my life in my final moments one day, I will be able to say no regrets. I tried. I gave it everything. And I wanted and loved with all my heart.
So, the decision is that we will do IVF. I’m not sure when exactly, as I think I want to give clomid another shot or two, so timing is still flexible and I’m yet to talk to my Dr about this. Yes, I wanted to get pregnant naturally, but ultimately, we want a baby. I think this a huge step forward for me to get to this point, and it feels good to have given myself another option for making this happen. We want to be complete. We want the dream.