Crystal ball

Oh, if only I had a crystal ball! Can somebody give me a freakin’ sign that clearly tells me what it will take to make this happen?

If you didn’t already guess, I have no happy announcement to make. Again. Cue entrance of cycle number 23. Yawn. This is getting boring. Waiting. Excitement. Anticipation. Tension. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Hope. Wondering. Fear. Belief. Emptiness. All the things I feel in the space of about 4 weeks. Some might say, well when you’re feeling something at least you know you are living. But I have lived this for 2 years (well actually a little more due to my longer than average cycles). Do I even know how to feel content after living this emotional rollercoaster for so long now? I don’t know. I hope so.

I desperately want everything to feel right in my world again and have worked so hard to make that my reality whatever happens to the size of our family. A lot of the time I feel very level, and I can see and feel that everything is good. But with each month that passes without a positive pregnancy test, I realise how fragile happiness is. I realise that with one thing that happens to every girl of a certain age, every month, my world can seem unstable and my future a little bit scary. For me, there is no option other than to jump back up, dust myself off and make things stable again. I just wish I knew how long I had to do this for. So I could prepare. Or not constantly worry about if it will happen at all.

For the last few months, I have been especially positive. I’ve been visualising, and finding it easy to do so. I’ve believed that our second child is coming and coming now. I feel teased today. My body feels great, energetic; I’m eating well; my cycles feel good with a little help from clomid and Vitamin B6; my mind feels alert and bright and positive. I thought our time was now.

I need to know what it will take. I’m about to pick up the phone and make an appointment to move our attempts on to more serious waters. Do I need to do that? Or do I just need one more cycle doing what I’m doing? Do I need to be a little more patient? Am I wasting precious time being too patient? Time is ticking. I’m getting older. My Little One is getting to be not so little. Are we looking for answers in the wrong places? What will it take to make this second child?

What do I need to do?!

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Wobble

Another pregnancy announcement from a friend arrived in my text message inbox today. The 3rd in as many months, in addition to the couple of births in that time too.

What were my thoughts and feelings at the moment I read that message? My feeling was a heavy thud in my chest and my thought was, “When will it be me?” When will I get my turn to be the pregnant person rather than be the one watching everyone I know (seemingly) grow bumps, glow and be happy smiley people?

Yep, that’s right, the positive thinking disappeared. Briefly anyway. My heart still feels a little heavy, for us. My impatience is just settling back down to manageable levels. So I sent a message back, all cheery and like ‘yay! So happy for you! Don’t feel sorry for me because you got there and I haven’t, I’m good, really.’ I didn’t say that really, but that’s what I thought. Because I really have been good. I kinda wish she had waited another week to tell me, so that I would either be able to relax in to the congratulations knowing I was in the club too, or when I would just be able to wallow in the hell of a period and hearing an announcement. You know, deal with everything at once when things can’t seem much worse. But the world doesn’t revolve around me, my cycle day and my potentially empty uterus (5 dpo, so you never know). Unfortunately. Anyway, I just gave the usual response in these situations, ‘Congrats! When ya due? You must be ecstatic! So excited for you! Can’t wait to meet him or her already! Big love and hugs. XX’

I’m happy for them and all, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah. She is the sweetest girl and doesn’t deserve to pick up a bitter vibe from me in the midst of her happy haze. Hence why I even plastered a fake smile on my face as I typed the congratulatory message full of exclamation marks, like she would sense I was dancing around my living room with joy and feel more at ease! Hah! Insane! But really, what is the point in being bitter and upset. Who does it help? What does it gain me? I may as well put out what I want people to see, and what I want to believe. I want people to say, ‘Wow, that girl was suffering but was always graceful in the face of it.’

So it is back to positivity for me . Wobble over. It is my time. It is my time. It is my time. It is my time …