Wobble

Another pregnancy announcement from a friend arrived in my text message inbox today. The 3rd in as many months, in addition to the couple of births in that time too.

What were my thoughts and feelings at the moment I read that message? My feeling was a heavy thud in my chest and my thought was, “When will it be me?” When will I get my turn to be the pregnant person rather than be the one watching everyone I know (seemingly) grow bumps, glow and be happy smiley people?

Yep, that’s right, the positive thinking disappeared. Briefly anyway. My heart still feels a little heavy, for us. My impatience is just settling back down to manageable levels. So I sent a message back, all cheery and like ‘yay! So happy for you! Don’t feel sorry for me because you got there and I haven’t, I’m good, really.’ I didn’t say that really, but that’s what I thought. Because I really have been good. I kinda wish she had waited another week to tell me, so that I would either be able to relax in to the congratulations knowing I was in the club too, or when I would just be able to wallow in the hell of a period and hearing an announcement. You know, deal with everything at once when things can’t seem much worse. But the world doesn’t revolve around me, my cycle day and my potentially empty uterus (5 dpo, so you never know). Unfortunately. Anyway, I just gave the usual response in these situations, ‘Congrats! When ya due? You must be ecstatic! So excited for you! Can’t wait to meet him or her already! Big love and hugs. XX’

I’m happy for them and all, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah. She is the sweetest girl and doesn’t deserve to pick up a bitter vibe from me in the midst of her happy haze. Hence why I even plastered a fake smile on my face as I typed the congratulatory message full of exclamation marks, like she would sense I was dancing around my living room with joy and feel more at ease! Hah! Insane! But really, what is the point in being bitter and upset. Who does it help? What does it gain me? I may as well put out what I want people to see, and what I want to believe. I want people to say, ‘Wow, that girl was suffering but was always graceful in the face of it.’

So it is back to positivity for me . Wobble over. It is my time. It is my time. It is my time. It is my time …

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2 thoughts on “Wobble

  1. You have it sorted – maintaining your roots is about you, not her. It is an act of compassion to hold both your pain and your respect for her joy. But gosh the balancing act and having to keep doing it, month after month, gets old and so exhausting. Hugs, my friend.

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