Oh, if only I had a crystal ball! Can somebody give me a freakin’ sign that clearly tells me what it will take to make this happen?
If you didn’t already guess, I have no happy announcement to make. Again. Cue entrance of cycle number 23. Yawn. This is getting boring. Waiting. Excitement. Anticipation. Tension. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Hope. Wondering. Fear. Belief. Emptiness. All the things I feel in the space of about 4 weeks. Some might say, well when you’re feeling something at least you know you are living. But I have lived this for 2 years (well actually a little more due to my longer than average cycles). Do I even know how to feel content after living this emotional rollercoaster for so long now? I don’t know. I hope so.
I desperately want everything to feel right in my world again and have worked so hard to make that my reality whatever happens to the size of our family. A lot of the time I feel very level, and I can see and feel that everything is good. But with each month that passes without a positive pregnancy test, I realise how fragile happiness is. I realise that with one thing that happens to every girl of a certain age, every month, my world can seem unstable and my future a little bit scary. For me, there is no option other than to jump back up, dust myself off and make things stable again. I just wish I knew how long I had to do this for. So I could prepare. Or not constantly worry about if it will happen at all.
For the last few months, I have been especially positive. I’ve been visualising, and finding it easy to do so. I’ve believed that our second child is coming and coming now. I feel teased today. My body feels great, energetic; I’m eating well; my cycles feel good with a little help from clomid and Vitamin B6; my mind feels alert and bright and positive. I thought our time was now.
I need to know what it will take. I’m about to pick up the phone and make an appointment to move our attempts on to more serious waters. Do I need to do that? Or do I just need one more cycle doing what I’m doing? Do I need to be a little more patient? Am I wasting precious time being too patient? Time is ticking. I’m getting older. My Little One is getting to be not so little. Are we looking for answers in the wrong places? What will it take to make this second child?
What do I need to do?!