Crystal ball

Oh, if only I had a crystal ball! Can somebody give me a freakin’ sign that clearly tells me what it will take to make this happen?

If you didn’t already guess, I have no happy announcement to make. Again. Cue entrance of cycle number 23. Yawn. This is getting boring. Waiting. Excitement. Anticipation. Tension. Disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Hope. Wondering. Fear. Belief. Emptiness. All the things I feel in the space of about 4 weeks. Some might say, well when you’re feeling something at least you know you are living. But I have lived this for 2 years (well actually a little more due to my longer than average cycles). Do I even know how to feel content after living this emotional rollercoaster for so long now? I don’t know. I hope so.

I desperately want everything to feel right in my world again and have worked so hard to make that my reality whatever happens to the size of our family. A lot of the time I feel very level, and I can see and feel that everything is good. But with each month that passes without a positive pregnancy test, I realise how fragile happiness is. I realise that with one thing that happens to every girl of a certain age, every month, my world can seem unstable and my future a little bit scary. For me, there is no option other than to jump back up, dust myself off and make things stable again. I just wish I knew how long I had to do this for. So I could prepare. Or not constantly worry about if it will happen at all.

For the last few months, I have been especially positive. I’ve been visualising, and finding it easy to do so. I’ve believed that our second child is coming and coming now. I feel teased today. My body feels great, energetic; I’m eating well; my cycles feel good with a little help from clomid and Vitamin B6; my mind feels alert and bright and positive. I thought our time was now.

I need to know what it will take. I’m about to pick up the phone and make an appointment to move our attempts on to more serious waters. Do I need to do that? Or do I just need one more cycle doing what I’m doing? Do I need to be a little more patient? Am I wasting precious time being too patient? Time is ticking. I’m getting older. My Little One is getting to be not so little. Are we looking for answers in the wrong places? What will it take to make this second child?

What do I need to do?!

11 thoughts on “Crystal ball

  1. I know what you mean about the crystal ball :/ I think you are on the right track if you physically feel good and your cycles are doing good. Sending ya hugs sugars!

  2. Oh, friend, I know that treadmill of questions and emotions and my heart goes out to you reading this. I wish I had some answers to comfort you. Please know I am thinking of you. I’m really sorry this time (and the 21 before it – ugh!) didn’t work.

  3. Oh, friend, I know that treadmill of questions and emotions and my heart goes out to you reading this. I wish I had some answers to comfort you. Please know I am thinking of you. I’m really sorry this time (and the 21 before it – ugh!) didn’t work and that you’re stuck on this crappy treadmill.

    • Thanks for thinking of me, it means a lot! After a great few positive months it surprised me to feel a bit angry this month. Life can be so unfair! But hey, that is the way it is. Things could be worse I guess! Love xxx

  4. I am right there with you! It is so difficult to know the next right step, and when to take it, and if you even need a next step, et cetera. My mind is telling me that these things take time to straighten themselves out once you become healthy and you’ve done everything you can to get healthy. My heart, however, is screaming at me that I don’t have time to be patient. It is so difficult to know which one is right some days.

    Sending a prayer your way right now.

    • Yes, that is exactly how I feel. Part of me says, be patient. I’m feeling so good now overall, and I think surely this means it will happen naturally but like you, the other part of me is saying i don’t have time to muck about, and I could end up waiting too long! Uh. Why can’t I just be one of those earth mother types who glides stress free through life, whilst popping out kids every year until she has the huge family she always knew the universe had planned for her?! Xxx

  5. I actually think that the uncertainty is the worst part about the whole ordeal. If you knew for sure that this little soul was waiting for the exact right moment (even though you have been open to that “right moment” for some time now) – you could handle the waiting. But the not knowing feels so out of control. I’m sorry this wasn’t the month. If you call, you’ve got to feel comfortable because it has to be the right move for you. I always felt better with a plan in place, and a defined time when we would change the course. Sending you peaceful vibes.

    • Exactly! If I knew it was a given that this baby would come, I could so handle the wait! I’m the same. A plan always helps. I think I’m just afraid to move things up the intervention scale and that not work either! Xxx

  6. I agree that the not-knowing is the worst part. Like the commenter said above, if i KNEW it was going to work out in the end, I could wait eons. But it is so hard to be patient in the face of uncertainty. I think it’s great that your inner voice is telling you that your child is coming soon–listen to that voice and hold onto that feeling with all of your might!

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