Last week we saw the specialist for the first time. I was expecting a pass straight to IVF, as Miss Acupuncture and the Ob/GYN I was seeing before he referred me, both told me that in my unexplained case there wouldn’t be other options laid on the table.

They were wrong. She offered us injectables. It took me by surprise, but I was happy to have another stepping stone rather than leaping right across the pond into IVF. I know this continues to be an issue for me; the idea of IVF scares me, although I am getting there and, honestly, I’m so utterly ready to move on from this trying to conceive journey one way or another that I know the time is imminent. Living in this limbo feels like living half a lifI’m here and going through the motions, but not giving things my full attention or enjoying what I have to the full. And that makes me sad, because I have a lot to enjoy and be happy about.

The appointment was … short. That was a little disappointing. Not getting pregnant is such a big part of the life of the couples that end up in these offices, and we felt a little like just another set of ovaries to get working better! But, this specialist is supposed to be the bomb, so we will give her the benefit of doubt. In a nutshell, the reality is we won’t get onto IVF, even if we said yes today, until the new year and she felt a few injectable cycles was worth a shot (I hope anyway!). Reviewing all our test results, she diagnosed our only issue to be a mild ovulation disorder due to late ovulation, which we already knew. Hubby looks all good to her. So injectables. No IUI. I was rather anxious, bringing these pens and needles home. I was so afraid of pain when sticking that first needle in that I messed the first dose up and pressed the button first as the needle entered the skin. Oooops! I’m happy to report that it really isn’t that painful at all. In fact, I think I prefer it immensely to clomid. I’ve got no side affects at the moment (other than some decent cervical mucous, which can only be a good thing, right??) which is a welcome relief after two of my clomid cycles were a massive rollercoaster of emotions. The specialist also said that this is better as it doesn’t affect the endometrium which can thin with clomid. I also like that there is more monitoring of me through the cycle to better understand what it happening. Only thing with this treatment, I think, is that there feel there is more at stake. We are spending more money on this, and there is a chance of cancelling the cycle if the ultrasound doesn’t show good news on the ovaries.

I’m back later this week for another ultrasound to see if I’m ready to trigger. TMI (as the ttc online forums users say), but I’m a little uncomfortable down there with thrush so am desperately hoping that has passed before the appointment so that a) I don’t have to feel mighty embarrassed and, b) so that we can get trigger happy in the bedroom.

Hit me up with some positive injectable cycle stories! I also need to find the answer to my question: I already ovulate, albeit on approx. 6 week cycles, so how does inducing ovulation improve my chances? No one has been able to explain this to me! Any insight appreciated!

Q and A’s

It’s been a while since I checked in here, because life has been a little all over the place over here. More on that in a moment. But wow, what a lot happened on my feed here. I was gone longer than I realised. Congratulations to all who have had good news, and are currently holding on to some hopeful signs. And the biggest hugs to those of you who have been knocked down, again. That is just shit.

I’ve been spending the last month fighting to stay positive despite very little reason, it feels, to believe this journey will end the way we hoped it would when we started it 2 and a half f@#%ing years ago. As I sit here in the first few days of cycle 26, I feel empty. I wonder how many times someone can keep experiencing the bitter disappointment. I ask how long someone can deal with the pain of a gaping hole. Handing over my faith that a soul is coming our way, and wallowing in the darkness seems like the easier option right now. It seems ridiculous that I can even fear remaining a family of 3, as surely we should feel lucky to have a family after all this (especially as we got little one so easily). But the time has come to face that fear. Anger towards my body for not getting pregnant without giving me an explanation why, and maybe even towards the little soul that is adamantly holding back is bubbling away. Letting it burst forward feels like the easier option.

Since speaking to a counsellor a few months ago I know what this is. It’s the part of me that is trying to protect me in a destructive way. It wants me to shut off the hope so I don’t get disappointed. It wants me to give up and move on so I don’t hurt anymore. I know that my more positive self will re-appear, because it always does, but I’m rather tired of that internal battle. My Miss Positive always seems to have to keep ssssshhhhing and reassuring Miss Negative. “I know you’re disappointed and angry this is happening, but all will be well” I tell myself. Well you know what, I’m going to throw a little tantrum here because when is this going to end? Living in this limbo is no place for anyone.

Our appointment with a fertility specialist has come around. It is happening this week. I’m not sure whether I’m excited, scared or just going through the motions because hubby wants to get this show on the road ASAP. I had some more blood tests done, which I will find out about at the appointment, and am intrigued to know if anything shows up. A few new things were tested including a celiac antibody test, AMH and a couple of immunology ones. My gut feeling, and perhaps this is what scares me most, is that nothing will come back as with all our testing so far. We will be told IVF is our only option. This should be a good thing, I know, and I totally understand that I’m in a lot better a position than many on an infertility journey, but if there is nothing to fix, why does that mean this situation will change with medical intervention? If we are both in good reproductive health, why aren’t we pregnant already? This raises some spiritual questions for me, and therefore undertaking intervention confuses me and makes life more intense than it is already. What if we force someone to come to us before they are ready? Is that right? What will it mean for us all? Or is this the path we are all supposed to be on? Do any of you have any thoughts about this that might help me figure this out? I know I really need to get my head around IVF, as it looks like it is really going to be our next and final step.

The other awful reason life has been a little dark over the last few weeks is because something truly terrible happened to a family we know through a friend. Tonight I will be attending the funeral of their beautiful 2 year old boy. He was taken from them and given angel wings by an aggressive, rare and fatal childhood brain tumour which was only discovered 3 weeks before his death. Life seems utterly cruel right now. Sleep tight little man.

I’m questioning a lot of things. I’m feeling many emotions. I’m hoping I find answers and peace very soon.