It’s been a while since I checked in here, because life has been a little all over the place over here. More on that in a moment. But wow, what a lot happened on my feed here. I was gone longer than I realised. Congratulations to all who have had good news, and are currently holding on to some hopeful signs. And the biggest hugs to those of you who have been knocked down, again. That is just shit.
I’ve been spending the last month fighting to stay positive despite very little reason, it feels, to believe this journey will end the way we hoped it would when we started it 2 and a half f@#%ing years ago. As I sit here in the first few days of cycle 26, I feel empty. I wonder how many times someone can keep experiencing the bitter disappointment. I ask how long someone can deal with the pain of a gaping hole. Handing over my faith that a soul is coming our way, and wallowing in the darkness seems like the easier option right now. It seems ridiculous that I can even fear remaining a family of 3, as surely we should feel lucky to have a family after all this (especially as we got little one so easily). But the time has come to face that fear. Anger towards my body for not getting pregnant without giving me an explanation why, and maybe even towards the little soul that is adamantly holding back is bubbling away. Letting it burst forward feels like the easier option.
Since speaking to a counsellor a few months ago I know what this is. It’s the part of me that is trying to protect me in a destructive way. It wants me to shut off the hope so I don’t get disappointed. It wants me to give up and move on so I don’t hurt anymore. I know that my more positive self will re-appear, because it always does, but I’m rather tired of that internal battle. My Miss Positive always seems to have to keep ssssshhhhing and reassuring Miss Negative. “I know you’re disappointed and angry this is happening, but all will be well” I tell myself. Well you know what, I’m going to throw a little tantrum here because when is this going to end? Living in this limbo is no place for anyone.
Our appointment with a fertility specialist has come around. It is happening this week. I’m not sure whether I’m excited, scared or just going through the motions because hubby wants to get this show on the road ASAP. I had some more blood tests done, which I will find out about at the appointment, and am intrigued to know if anything shows up. A few new things were tested including a celiac antibody test, AMH and a couple of immunology ones. My gut feeling, and perhaps this is what scares me most, is that nothing will come back as with all our testing so far. We will be told IVF is our only option. This should be a good thing, I know, and I totally understand that I’m in a lot better a position than many on an infertility journey, but if there is nothing to fix, why does that mean this situation will change with medical intervention? If we are both in good reproductive health, why aren’t we pregnant already? This raises some spiritual questions for me, and therefore undertaking intervention confuses me and makes life more intense than it is already. What if we force someone to come to us before they are ready? Is that right? What will it mean for us all? Or is this the path we are all supposed to be on? Do any of you have any thoughts about this that might help me figure this out? I know I really need to get my head around IVF, as it looks like it is really going to be our next and final step.
The other awful reason life has been a little dark over the last few weeks is because something truly terrible happened to a family we know through a friend. Tonight I will be attending the funeral of their beautiful 2 year old boy. He was taken from them and given angel wings by an aggressive, rare and fatal childhood brain tumour which was only discovered 3 weeks before his death. Life seems utterly cruel right now. Sleep tight little man.
I’m questioning a lot of things. I’m feeling many emotions. I’m hoping I find answers and peace very soon.