Q and A’s

It’s been a while since I checked in here, because life has been a little all over the place over here. More on that in a moment. But wow, what a lot happened on my feed here. I was gone longer than I realised. Congratulations to all who have had good news, and are currently holding on to some hopeful signs. And the biggest hugs to those of you who have been knocked down, again. That is just shit.

I’ve been spending the last month fighting to stay positive despite very little reason, it feels, to believe this journey will end the way we hoped it would when we started it 2 and a half f@#%ing years ago. As I sit here in the first few days of cycle 26, I feel empty. I wonder how many times someone can keep experiencing the bitter disappointment. I ask how long someone can deal with the pain of a gaping hole. Handing over my faith that a soul is coming our way, and wallowing in the darkness seems like the easier option right now. It seems ridiculous that I can even fear remaining a family of 3, as surely we should feel lucky to have a family after all this (especially as we got little one so easily). But the time has come to face that fear. Anger towards my body for not getting pregnant without giving me an explanation why, and maybe even towards the little soul that is adamantly holding back is bubbling away. Letting it burst forward feels like the easier option.

Since speaking to a counsellor a few months ago I know what this is. It’s the part of me that is trying to protect me in a destructive way. It wants me to shut off the hope so I don’t get disappointed. It wants me to give up and move on so I don’t hurt anymore. I know that my more positive self will re-appear, because it always does, but I’m rather tired of that internal battle. My Miss Positive always seems to have to keep ssssshhhhing and reassuring Miss Negative. “I know you’re disappointed and angry this is happening, but all will be well” I tell myself. Well you know what, I’m going to throw a little tantrum here because when is this going to end? Living in this limbo is no place for anyone.

Our appointment with a fertility specialist has come around. It is happening this week. I’m not sure whether I’m excited, scared or just going through the motions because hubby wants to get this show on the road ASAP. I had some more blood tests done, which I will find out about at the appointment, and am intrigued to know if anything shows up. A few new things were tested including a celiac antibody test, AMH and a couple of immunology ones. My gut feeling, and perhaps this is what scares me most, is that nothing will come back as with all our testing so far. We will be told IVF is our only option. This should be a good thing, I know, and I totally understand that I’m in a lot better a position than many on an infertility journey, but if there is nothing to fix, why does that mean this situation will change with medical intervention? If we are both in good reproductive health, why aren’t we pregnant already? This raises some spiritual questions for me, and therefore undertaking intervention confuses me and makes life more intense than it is already. What if we force someone to come to us before they are ready? Is that right? What will it mean for us all? Or is this the path we are all supposed to be on? Do any of you have any thoughts about this that might help me figure this out? I know I really need to get my head around IVF, as it looks like it is really going to be our next and final step.

The other awful reason life has been a little dark over the last few weeks is because something truly terrible happened to a family we know through a friend. Tonight I will be attending the funeral of their beautiful 2 year old boy. He was taken from them and given angel wings by an aggressive, rare and fatal childhood brain tumour which was only discovered 3 weeks before his death. Life seems utterly cruel right now. Sleep tight little man.

I’m questioning a lot of things. I’m feeling many emotions. I’m hoping I find answers and peace very soon.

4 thoughts on “Q and A’s

  1. “Handing over my faith that a soul is coming our way, and wallowing in the darkness seems like the easier option right now.” Oh, do I feel you on that sentiment right about now. In response to your questions, “What if we force someone to come to us before they are ready? Is that right?” here’s how I feel on that matter. If you get pregnant through IVF, that will be the exact time that soul was meant to come to you. If the soul is not meant to come at that time or through IVF, you won’t get pregnant. Sometimes conditions for IVF can be perfect and no pregnancy happens. Sometime the conditions can be craptastic and a pregnancy still manages to happen. Despite the addition of extra science, I still think the deciding factor on whether you get pregnant through IVF is God or the Universe or whatever you believe in. I think these questions are hard ones, but I hope you can find some peace. Good luck on your fertility doc visit. I’ll be thinking about you!

  2. For us, I think, seeing the RE was such a step in the right direction. It was kind of scary and I did go back and forth, but definitely the right decision.

    I think proceeding with ART for an infertile couple is the same as a very fertile couple having sex. The universe doesn’t give children to people who don’t procreate and with some exceptions, procreation is a willful choice. For some people that is going to involve a lab and for other the back of a car, but however a child is brought into the world, the most important thing is that it is loved.

    • Maybe this is just our path?! We have so much love to give. That seems to the irony about infertility. There is so much that people suffering with infertility could give a child if the universe was just a little bit less cruel! Xxx

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