Signing out.

Hello, 14 weeks 4 days. The weeks have slowly ticked by with no major events to speak of. This feels like a normal pregnancy. This feels like evaporation of 4 years of heartache. This feels like the end of the journey for my blog and, the beginning of a new chapter for our family.

Just to update those who have followed me and my story, the PIO injections did the job. I don’t know what they brought my progesterone levels back up to as, in the end, I got in to see my obstetrician who assured me regular scans would give us more peace of mind than blood tests. So from week 6 through to 12 we had weekly scans where we got to see on the monitor screen, a baby of varying stages of development flicker in to focus. It’s heart beating strong each time and its limbs wriggling away during the last few scans. There was no sign of bleeding at any scan. What a beautiful relief.

After week 9 or 10 there was no evidence of spotting, so at week 12 I stopped the evening pessary and at week 13 I also stopped the injections with no side affects. And so here we are now. Plodding along happily at 14 weeks and actually beginning to imagine a life as 4. We have spread the news, told our Little One (who incidentally had the most precious reaction. Yay for big age gaps!!!), begun to think about what we might need to buy again and thrown a few names around. Now we are just waiting for the nausea to pass altogether and the bump to grow.

Who would’ve thought after all that we went through, it would suddenly all seem so familiar and so normal and so, well, like fate. Who would’ve have thought that it seems so strange to step out into the world of pregnancy, leaving the place you have known so well and hated so much behind you, even though you have fought tirelessly to escape it.

So know, those of you in the depths of infertility, you might be thinking the same as me one day. Pondering on all you went through, when everything suddenly seems to have it’s place in your world. When you don’t have to sit in a fertility waiting room anymore, feeling so afraid to try and so afraid not to, but instead have a pile of paperwork and information about pregnancy and newborns to work through. When you don’t have to feel wretched, throat burning hurt anymore but instead can look forward to a future on calmer seas. When you finally burst out of the dark into a lighter place. When you make it, you may look back on those years of infertility knowing it changed you forever, but finding it so surreal to be looking in on it from the outside. Like it happened to someone else. Like it was a dream. I guess this is what being free feels like, folks. I hope you make it here too.

As this blog was a way of expressing and exploring infertility, I don’t plan to continue writing throughout the pregnancy and into becoming parents for the second time. I’d like to leave this blog for those who need understanding, hope and maybe some information about my experience that may be useful* (see below). As I move forward, and away from the time that I endured secondary infertility, I take with me life lessons and a changed outlook on many things. They include emotional and mental well being, how people deal with difficult and traumatic circumstances, decision making, how to be physically healthy, the medical world, patience and a new found respect for conception.

I hope those of you struggling with infertility find your path through it and to a place of contentment, whether that be conceiving, adoption or moving on to a life without children. You will find much along the road of infertility. That will be different for each of us and can take time to find. I hope you find something positive. Most of all I hope you find that special little soul to take home. Good luck.

*A FINAL MESSAGE

For those ladies who may find this helpful, I want to add a final note about my fight with progesterone! I feel this was causing our infertility all along although we don’t have a medical diagnosis to support this. My blood tests showed progesterone at normal levels however I, in hindsight, wish I had pushed my opinion, albeit based on intuition, more with my medical professionals. Several indicators (see my previous post) suggest progesterone was out of balance, even if it was in normal ranges. I wish I had made this point strongly and asked for a discussion about it. Us ladies really need timing of hormones to be on our side, if not this can really make a small problem a big one. I think greater attention to detail on individual cases could mean less expense and heartache for couples involved. I guess what I’m saying here is that you know your body. Many women with infertility are almost experts themselves! I DO NOT endorse self diagnosis. We rely on the medical expertise of specialists to help solve infertility. But DO discuss with your care team what YOU think  if you have suspicions, reservations or questions .

See you all on the mother side …