Sometimes I wonder what it is that keeps me on this emotional rollercoaster.
What keeps me trying to conceive a second child? Is it the desperate desire for another pregnancy; another child? Is it the overwhelming need I feel to give my daughter a sibling? Is it because I always said it was two children that I wanted, before I had even met my husband, because that is what feels right? Or has society set that number in my mind? Is it because my competitive streak says I can’t lose this battle? Is it the need to feel in control of my own life?
The honest truth is that they all keep me going at different times, as and when I need them to.
Believe me, I have thought about trying to get off this train, just because it is too damn hard a lot of the time. Sometimes I even question whether I really want this anymore. Has enough time passed to change our plans? When I ask myself that question though, I always find the answer, not too deep down, is yes I do. I feel like my subconscious mind tries to protect me by tempting me with no more sleepless nights, no threat of morning sickness or toddler tantrums again. Life is pretty easy with our not so little Little One these days. Things are calm and controlled. We are out of the baby/toddler phase. We are in a different era, and I have heard the little voice in my head whisper, “Do you really want to go back there again?” ‘Do you want to change the status quo?’ I do. And until it’s physically impossible, I just don’t know what it would take to get me to give up on this goal.
Sometimes, in those dark moments, when I wonder if I can carry on fighting for this baby, it’s Little One that keeps me going. She wants this too. This isn’t just my desire, or my husband’s desire. We all want this. I feel like it’s not just my choice. Twice this week alone she has said to me, ”I wish we had a baby so I had someone to play with.” Oh, the sadness. I HAVE to complete this journey somehow for her, for us; for our family. She feels the empty space. I play with her. Her Daddy plays with her. Her friends play with her. She is looking for a different relationship. Children really are very perceptive.
Underneath it all, I am a fighter. I am strong. I can endure the pain. So, out of the black nights when another cycle has ended unsuccessfully, always comes the girl who says failure is not option. I will get back to the content and emotionally peaceful life we knew before we began trying to conceive. I will have another baby, somehow.
So, here I stand at the beginning of yet another TWW. My week or so of hope leading up to ovulation has given me respite. A time to re-group, and relax and feel positive. For the next two weeks I will be repeating ‘failure is not an option’ over and over, willing my body and the vitamin B6 and the Chinese herbs to help my body do its thing. Let’s get pregnant!