A rollercoaster in early pregnancy

We finally did it! After a second FET we made it to pregnancy. WOOOOOO friggin HOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Our beta was due during the holidays when the clinic was closed, so I did a home pregnancy test and it came up immediately. Amazing stuff. It was actually very, very surreal after all this time, to finally see those two lines. My husband cried. I was pretty speechless. You’re always hoping for the best but prepared for the worse during a journey like ours.

A few days later, my beta came back at 5 weeks at a massive 25,000 or thereabouts. We were on cloud 9 and booked our scan in for a couple of weeks later. I was feeling similar to how I felt with Little One, pretty nauseous at times and extremely tired. We were on our way.

I had a couple of days where light brown spotting occurred. I wasn’t overly concerned. With my first pregnancy, which was natural, I had that from 4 weeks right through to week 9. Then last Thursday I felt terribly nauseous all day, which I take is a good sign that things are going well and hormones are raging, but that night brought us the worse fright. I stood up and felt a warm gush. Yep. Blood. Yep. Red. Yep. Bright. Through the following few hours I had several more substantial gushes with a couple of clots too. Scary shit. I tried not to panic, especially as hubby was not holding it together (he had finally let the emotion of this journey in on seeing the HPT). I centred myself, knowing there wasn’t much I could do if the worst was happening. In the morning I phoned straight through to my specialists rooms. I reported the events of the night before and that I hadn’t bled since, had no cramping during the episode or after but was spotting brown and red. I couldn’t get scanned that day and had to wait the entire weekend to know more!!! I was told to go to the local hospital if I had anymore bleeding or things became worse.

That weekend was hell. We literally just willed time to pass. My husband was a wreck. He couldn’t sleep or eat. I was in a bubble. Refusing to feel anything. I had another slightly smaller bleed and another clot on Saturday afternoon which stopped as quickly as it had started. I lay in bed or on the sofa, doing nothing and feeling empty. We feared the worst. We were pissed. This was a chromosomally normal embryo! What were the chances?!

Monday morning eventually arrived. We were up and out the door when it was still dark and the first people at the clinic. The nurse warned that at just over 6 weeks it might be hard to see what was happening exactly. But there on the screen was our little 6 week 3 day old baby with a strong heartbeat a 128bpm. Unbelievable! Wow! It was what I had hoped for not allowed myself to belief would happen. The nurse checked everything possible and spotted a, I quote “small”, area where the bleed had come from at the back of the uterus. She reiterated how small it was and that everything looked good. It baffles me still as the bleed was certainly not insubstantial. We saw the specialist too, and both reassured us things should be fine and that this does happen sometimes. I don’t want to get ahead of myself yet, so I don’t want to encourage anyone that has bleeding like mine. But it is somewhat reassuring to know that bleeding doesn’t always mean the end immediately.

Later that day my blood work came back from a test I’d had whilst at the clinic which indicated falling progesterone. It was down to 26. I wondered if that was linked to the bleeding. My HgC though had risen well to 90,000ish. At that point my specialist switched me to daily PIO injections with the one pessary at night. We have been following this protocol for a few days now. My husband does the injections and so far so good. They really aren’t bad. I’m still spotting though. Pretty much just brown now, with the odd spot of red.

It was a massive relief to see the baby on the screen. It looks strong! But our anxiety is certainly creeping slowly back in. I’m now wondering if progesterone has been the problem all along even though test results have come back normal in fertility investigations. I wonder if there is a case for normal ranges not applying to all individuals? With my suspicions of failed implantations all those years ago when we began TTC #2, to spotting before a period, to a cancelled fresh transfer due to progesterone rising before it should and to a failed FET on a lower progesterone dosage there seems to me to be some strong indicators. All this is floating round in my head and now with the continuing spotting we are worrying about whether my progesterone is going to stop us holding on to this pregnancy. I’m nearly 7 weeks. I need another 3 weeks to get to safer waters when the placenta starts doing its thing.

My specialist has sent me on to an Obstetrician now. After the scan and the progesterone adjustment I guess she felt happy enough to. I see him in a few weeks, so I feel like we are in a weird limbo until then. I can go to either in an emergency, but in the meantime no one is really tracking us which feels very strange after all this intervention and poking and prodding. I’m going to request a progesterone test again for my piece of mind. I want to see that it is rising back to where it was again now I’m on PIO. Maybe I will do a second pessary too?

I hope the spotting disappears so I can relax a bit more. I’m developing a fear of going to the toilet right now! I hope PIO is good to me. I hope my baby is still happily growing in there. I hope my body helps us out. I hope for the best at this time of anxiety and fear, where I feel so happy but also afraid to be joyful. I hope for dreams come true when I’m afraid to look too far ahead.

Wish me luck folks. It’s going to be a tense, rocky few weeks!

 

Spotting

I said I would be back, and after my little rant on Secondary Infertility yesterday, here I am to update you on the current status of this infertile Mumma. It seems my uterus is still not the fertile place it needs to be to grow a person. The monthly spotting has continued since the weekend, and my heart is heavy as I write this, as I’m sure this is the beginning of the end, again. My goodness, the ups and downs of a cycle are super draining. At the beginning of a new cycle, the blood washes the defeat and failure and pain of another unsuccessful month away, until you feel empty of emotion and there are no more tears to cry. Renewed hope and positivity then rise out of the emptiness and you dare to hope that this month will be different. Once ovulation passes, the tension rises as you creep closer to 14 DPO and judgement day. It takes its toll on even the strongest of people. I have always considered myself a good manager of stress and pressure. But this is breaking me. I don’t know how much more of these downs I can take. I just want this period to arrive ASAP so that I can move on to the better bit, the hope. Although I wonder whether one cycle, I just won’t have any. Maybe I won’t want to try anymore. I guess that is when I will know that I’m broken emotionally. That I really can’t take anymore.

 

Let me tell you a bit more about the annoying spotting. I am an excessive spotter. Each month is different, but I can spot anywhere from about 6 or 7 DPO. And it can be heavy sometimes, which means I can be protecting my underwear for up to two weeks out of a cycle. Ughhh. It’s a hassle. I never used to spot before a period at all. Not until I conceived my little one, when I had about 5 days of spotting. Implantation spotting I guess. Then I never had it again. Until I began TTC number 2. From the first month we tried. Yep, that’s a coincidence, right? The doctors I have seen so far have little concern about it, but I think it is a clue to whatever is happening or not happening during this journey for us. I actually believe that the months I have spotted from 6 or 7 DPO are failed implantations, and the months where I spot for 3 or 4 days before are just weird and I don’t have an explanation for that. Nor does anyone else. Miss Acupuncture has had some success at reducing the spotting. It is generally lighter, and I have less days of it in general (if not a suspected failed implantation).  The spotting is a strange thing for me during the TWW. If I get spotting at 7DPO I have a rush of excitement, as I am reminded of the conception of our little one. But I also know it can mean nothing, as have the days of spotting during every one of the 20 cycles I have been TTC number 2. It also is a reminder that my body is failing me, and it torments me by getting heavy and then easing off again in the day or so before my period begins, tricking me into hoping it is implantation spotting. Not letting me forget about impending period. This drives me mental. And that brings me to where I am today. I’m approximately 13 DPO, my temperature this morning was still beautifully high, but the spotting is here with a vengeance and I know I am just waiting for the inevitable. Cue stomping around the house, hot with anger, my eyes burning with tears and my chest tight with the pain of sadness. Tonight I will grab my hot water bottle, some chocolate, a blanket and watch some trashy television with hubby.

So, world, I will see you again when I surface from under my blanket and am ready to face you.

PMT torment

Joy of joys, it looks like my period is imminent. A-bloody-GAIN! See what I did there? Pun intended. This is just totally messed up. Wrong. Unfair. I really don’t know what will change the outcome of each cycle. I’m at a loss. I feel like we have tried everything bar invasive intervention, and nothing is working. Right now I feel like this situation is something I will just have to accept. I don’t think I’m the sort of person that is very good at accepting a situation that I want to change. I kinda wish I was. We opened up Pandora’s Box and picked out Secondary Unexplained Infertility. I wish I could put it back in the box. Move on.

 Ok, so I fell off the clean eating wagon this month. In a medium size way though. Not enough to punish me with another failed cycle! A girl deserves some treats occasionally, right? And anyway, it’s not like all the effort I put in to clean eating in the last 9 months or so has miraculously solved the problem. What else might have affected the outcome of this first clomid cycle of ours? I didn’t manage my stress/irritability levels well in the days after ovulation. Could that have been part of the problem? Was it the few glasses of wine I had the other evening? Why didn’t clomid work? You see, I need a reason. I need to try and explain why it’s not working each time. But this is the very thing that torments me. I have no reasons. My Doctor has no reasons. There is nothing to fix. What the hell is that all about? I feel let down by Western Medicine. It cannot find the reason for the fact that I cannot do something I was born to do.

So, today I had some spotting. Some minor cramps too. With my period due over the next couple of days, holding on to hope is futile. I know that. Yet a part of me will pray that these symptoms of PMT are pregnancy symptoms.

I will be back soon, tears in tow …