A rollercoaster in early pregnancy

We finally did it! After a second FET we made it to pregnancy. WOOOOOO friggin HOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Our beta was due during the holidays when the clinic was closed, so I did a home pregnancy test and it came up immediately. Amazing stuff. It was actually very, very surreal after all this time, to finally see those two lines. My husband cried. I was pretty speechless. You’re always hoping for the best but prepared for the worse during a journey like ours.

A few days later, my beta came back at 5 weeks at a massive 25,000 or thereabouts. We were on cloud 9 and booked our scan in for a couple of weeks later. I was feeling similar to how I felt with Little One, pretty nauseous at times and extremely tired. We were on our way.

I had a couple of days where light brown spotting occurred. I wasn’t overly concerned. With my first pregnancy, which was natural, I had that from 4 weeks right through to week 9. Then last Thursday I felt terribly nauseous all day, which I take is a good sign that things are going well and hormones are raging, but that night brought us the worse fright. I stood up and felt a warm gush. Yep. Blood. Yep. Red. Yep. Bright. Through the following few hours I had several more substantial gushes with a couple of clots too. Scary shit. I tried not to panic, especially as hubby was not holding it together (he had finally let the emotion of this journey in on seeing the HPT). I centred myself, knowing there wasn’t much I could do if the worst was happening. In the morning I phoned straight through to my specialists rooms. I reported the events of the night before and that I hadn’t bled since, had no cramping during the episode or after but was spotting brown and red. I couldn’t get scanned that day and had to wait the entire weekend to know more!!! I was told to go to the local hospital if I had anymore bleeding or things became worse.

That weekend was hell. We literally just willed time to pass. My husband was a wreck. He couldn’t sleep or eat. I was in a bubble. Refusing to feel anything. I had another slightly smaller bleed and another clot on Saturday afternoon which stopped as quickly as it had started. I lay in bed or on the sofa, doing nothing and feeling empty. We feared the worst. We were pissed. This was a chromosomally normal embryo! What were the chances?!

Monday morning eventually arrived. We were up and out the door when it was still dark and the first people at the clinic. The nurse warned that at just over 6 weeks it might be hard to see what was happening exactly. But there on the screen was our little 6 week 3 day old baby with a strong heartbeat a 128bpm. Unbelievable! Wow! It was what I had hoped for not allowed myself to belief would happen. The nurse checked everything possible and spotted a, I quote “small”, area where the bleed had come from at the back of the uterus. She reiterated how small it was and that everything looked good. It baffles me still as the bleed was certainly not insubstantial. We saw the specialist too, and both reassured us things should be fine and that this does happen sometimes. I don’t want to get ahead of myself yet, so I don’t want to encourage anyone that has bleeding like mine. But it is somewhat reassuring to know that bleeding doesn’t always mean the end immediately.

Later that day my blood work came back from a test I’d had whilst at the clinic which indicated falling progesterone. It was down to 26. I wondered if that was linked to the bleeding. My HgC though had risen well to 90,000ish. At that point my specialist switched me to daily PIO injections with the one pessary at night. We have been following this protocol for a few days now. My husband does the injections and so far so good. They really aren’t bad. I’m still spotting though. Pretty much just brown now, with the odd spot of red.

It was a massive relief to see the baby on the screen. It looks strong! But our anxiety is certainly creeping slowly back in. I’m now wondering if progesterone has been the problem all along even though test results have come back normal in fertility investigations. I wonder if there is a case for normal ranges not applying to all individuals? With my suspicions of failed implantations all those years ago when we began TTC #2, to spotting before a period, to a cancelled fresh transfer due to progesterone rising before it should and to a failed FET on a lower progesterone dosage there seems to me to be some strong indicators. All this is floating round in my head and now with the continuing spotting we are worrying about whether my progesterone is going to stop us holding on to this pregnancy. I’m nearly 7 weeks. I need another 3 weeks to get to safer waters when the placenta starts doing its thing.

My specialist has sent me on to an Obstetrician now. After the scan and the progesterone adjustment I guess she felt happy enough to. I see him in a few weeks, so I feel like we are in a weird limbo until then. I can go to either in an emergency, but in the meantime no one is really tracking us which feels very strange after all this intervention and poking and prodding. I’m going to request a progesterone test again for my piece of mind. I want to see that it is rising back to where it was again now I’m on PIO. Maybe I will do a second pessary too?

I hope the spotting disappears so I can relax a bit more. I’m developing a fear of going to the toilet right now! I hope PIO is good to me. I hope my baby is still happily growing in there. I hope my body helps us out. I hope for the best at this time of anxiety and fear, where I feel so happy but also afraid to be joyful. I hope for dreams come true when I’m afraid to look too far ahead.

Wish me luck folks. It’s going to be a tense, rocky few weeks!

 

IVF, disappointments and a story still to tell.

In July 2015 I snatched back control of this life of mine. I feel like I have been playing tug of war with something unseen for years now, so it felt oh so good to flex those muscles and do some thing that would bring us the closest we have been in a long time to the “p word”.

We began our ICSI cycle (our specialist felt this would be the best approach despite decent sperm analysis as our unexplained infertility means we are all left guessing what may or may not be happening) sailing smoothly through the stimulation injections. Well, as smoothly as you can when you inject your stomach several times a day, forcing it to puff up to ironically pregnant looking proportions, ovaries are tender, your hormones are a-raging, tiredness is overpowering and you are wrangling with strong emotions. By the time I was ready for egg collection, which fortunately didn’t take long, I could sense how full those throbbing ovaries had become. Even sitting down needed some preparation time just to get in the right position to be comfortable. With the help of gonal f I created 24 mature eggs. I was a bit of an egg heroine apparently, and I came away feeling I could hit this infertility thing across the head and never see it’s ugly face again. The only downer was that my progesterone levels were raised, and meant my lining was out of sync with the growing embryos so a fresh transfer was cancelled. I was annoyed and disappointed, but in hindsight realised how much my body had been through and felt it was good to have some recovery time before a transfer.

It’s a weird time when you wait to hear about fertilization rates. How many mini forms of life have we made? We willed every one to hang on and literally fight for life. One day passed and we found out that 18 had fertilized normally. Amazing! Big sigh of relief. It seemed my body had done me proud and I gave myself permission to relax a little. It is hard to not become attached to these bundles of cells; thinking about how our daughter also began life this way. The overwhelming, mind blowing possibility that one of these early embryos could be the one, left us in a spin of both excitement and fear. At day 3, 13 of our embryos were looking good and we had every reason to feel positive that, finally, we were on the right course. We were nailing this ICSI cycle! The lab rang me on day 6. It was so late in the day, I was seriously worried something had gone very wrong. They delivered the news that 3 had made it to blastocyst stage and they were happy with how they looked. In all honesty we were a little disappointed that our numbers had dropped so rapidly. The embryologist told us that with our initial numbers, they would have expected around 6 to make blastocyst. Our specialist had also put us forward to have any blastocysts PGD tested, so we froze all and had several weeks to mull over questions, disappointments and fears. Do we have a chromosome issue that caused so many to arrest before day 5? Will we be left with any useable embryos? Do I have an egg quality issue even though I have a high reserve? Does my husband have a sperm quality issue despite his count and motility looking normal? Can our ICSI cycle be diagnostic in anyway?

3 weeks passed and I thought I was coping well with the uncertainty. Another call from another embryologist brought a surprising flood of emotion when I heard that 2 out of the 3 blastocysts were absolutely chromosomally normal and one was inconclusive for chromosome 6 (which puts the ball in our court as to whether we use it or not. They don’t know either way if it is normal or not). To know we had 3 useable embryos and that we went through the stimulation round with something to show at the end was a massive relief. I realised how totally spent I was emotionally with all the drugs, the waiting and the desperate hoping. I would not have been ready to throw myself into another stim round at that point, so was grateful for this ray of sunshine. The eye of the storm. A medicated frozen transfer was scheduled for my next cycle. For a few weeks life was good and full of possibility again. We allowed ourselves to dream.

We were ridiculously excited at the arrival of cycle day 1. After several months of waiting (thank you to my mild PCOS for a 45 day wait) I felt close to finding the end of this journey. I even felt I sensed somebody was close by, on their way to us even. I felt that this was it. After years of unexplained subfertility, overcoming stress and anxiety, acupuncture, becoming healthier in mind and body, clomid, ovulation induction and now IVF, surely this would be the moment? Surely we have done everything to prove to the universe that we are ready? My body responded well again to the drugs and my lining thickened up nicely. The transfer of a excellent looking, already hatching blastocyst went perfectly. I remained calm and positive, visualising what was happening inside my body until 7dp5dt. Pink blood. One spot. Fuck. My mind went into a spin. I talked myself down, telling myself if could be a good thing but after that the anxiety just took hold. I was afraid of what the following few days would bring. Two days later some more spotting. Hardly anything, but red. It was over. My period was coming. But, hold up! And here is the mind bending shittyness of this experience … all spotting disappeared. 10dp5dt and I was all clear. I didn’t feel like my period was coming and I allowed myself to feel a glimmer of hope. After all, with the two week wait any symptom could mean ANYTHING. Perhaps I was still in with a shout. We couldn’t take the suspense anymore so we decided to take a home pregnancy test. I was due to have my beta the following morning and wanted to be prepared for that anyway. It was depressingly stark white. I was red with anger. I made a sound that I can’t describe. A scream or a growl. I was green with bitterness and envy. I wanted to message my friends and tell them how lucky they were and how they would never know anything close to what I was experiencing. I was black with sadness. How can this still be happening? How can I have not learned my lesson? How am I still naïve enough to think things will be different?

I’ve done this so many times that I can run through the emotions in break neck speed and get myself functioning again. But it is so much harder when you’re doing all that science can offer you, the stakes are higher, you believe once again and yet the result is still fucking negative. What do I have to do?

I felt hope and belief leave me like a river flowing down a valley. Can I put myself through this again? I don’t know. Probably. Maybe. Can I walk away from it? Yes. No. I wish I could but I don’t think I can. Can I leave my frozen embryos? Certainly not. But I’m not sure I can stop the rush of hope leaving me either.

My specialist was surprised we didn’t have a successful round. With all our results and stats, I think she thought we were going to be a big success story. I don’t think failure is in her vocabulary though, so we are doing an endo scratch next week to increase implantation chances during this next transfer. This is good I think. We aren’t doing the same thing expecting a different result. I have learnt my lesson there. But, sigh, more questions. Is implantation our issue? I always felt in the early years of this journey that we were having failed implantation, but we were also very stressed out at the time. Miss Acupuncture tells me not to let that worry take hold. She thinks we are simply unlucky and that it is a numbers game for us. ‘One day you will hit jackpot,’ she encourages. I wish I had the same unquestioning faith.

In the meantime, wish me luck as I jump aboard the FET train again. Our journey is unfinished. Maybe we will reach our destination this time …

Needles!

Last week we saw the specialist for the first time. I was expecting a pass straight to IVF, as Miss Acupuncture and the Ob/GYN I was seeing before he referred me, both told me that in my unexplained case there wouldn’t be other options laid on the table.

They were wrong. She offered us injectables. It took me by surprise, but I was happy to have another stepping stone rather than leaping right across the pond into IVF. I know this continues to be an issue for me; the idea of IVF scares me, although I am getting there and, honestly, I’m so utterly ready to move on from this trying to conceive journey one way or another that I know the time is imminent. Living in this limbo feels like living half a lifI’m here and going through the motions, but not giving things my full attention or enjoying what I have to the full. And that makes me sad, because I have a lot to enjoy and be happy about.

The appointment was … short. That was a little disappointing. Not getting pregnant is such a big part of the life of the couples that end up in these offices, and we felt a little like just another set of ovaries to get working better! But, this specialist is supposed to be the bomb, so we will give her the benefit of doubt. In a nutshell, the reality is we won’t get onto IVF, even if we said yes today, until the new year and she felt a few injectable cycles was worth a shot (I hope anyway!). Reviewing all our test results, she diagnosed our only issue to be a mild ovulation disorder due to late ovulation, which we already knew. Hubby looks all good to her. So injectables. No IUI. I was rather anxious, bringing these pens and needles home. I was so afraid of pain when sticking that first needle in that I messed the first dose up and pressed the button first as the needle entered the skin. Oooops! I’m happy to report that it really isn’t that painful at all. In fact, I think I prefer it immensely to clomid. I’ve got no side affects at the moment (other than some decent cervical mucous, which can only be a good thing, right??) which is a welcome relief after two of my clomid cycles were a massive rollercoaster of emotions. The specialist also said that this is better as it doesn’t affect the endometrium which can thin with clomid. I also like that there is more monitoring of me through the cycle to better understand what it happening. Only thing with this treatment, I think, is that there feel there is more at stake. We are spending more money on this, and there is a chance of cancelling the cycle if the ultrasound doesn’t show good news on the ovaries.

I’m back later this week for another ultrasound to see if I’m ready to trigger. TMI (as the ttc online forums users say), but I’m a little uncomfortable down there with thrush so am desperately hoping that has passed before the appointment so that a) I don’t have to feel mighty embarrassed and, b) so that we can get trigger happy in the bedroom.

Hit me up with some positive injectable cycle stories! I also need to find the answer to my question: I already ovulate, albeit on approx. 6 week cycles, so how does inducing ovulation improve my chances? No one has been able to explain this to me! Any insight appreciated!

When parenting pressure possibly prevents pregnancy.

Hey there! Long time, no speak. I don’t have a reason for it, other than I guess time flew before I felt the need to rant/unload/share anything. The basic truth is I was feeling rather good, and rather positive despite this being cycle 24. That was until 6 days ago, when I had an almighty emotional crash for some random reason that I couldn’t even figure out for a day or two. Hence, my logging in to my blog to rant/unload/share.

So, back up … Last time I blogged, I wrote about figuring out how anxiety is impacting my life and that I had decided to speak to someone. Fast forward to now, and I have had 3 lovely appointments with an extremely kind and warm lady. I instantly felt the difference after walking out of my first appointment. It was liberating. I have never had any sort of counselling before, but I happily blabbed away to my heart’s content. I came away feeling so much lighter and so much more positive.

Last week though, I felt my positivity came crashing down and I was left with tears, anger and frustration and I couldn’t see which way was up. It was so confusing. I even felt angry and about feeling angry. I was frustrated I had tripped up, emotionally speaking. But our paths are rocky, eh? No path is smooth in life. And this path I am on, finding my way back to emotional paradise, where downs are only dips, recovery from a minor stressful moment is instant and every day holds mostly happy thoughts, self-worth, fulfilment and laughter; it is a little rocky. I am lucky though. Most of my days contain happy thoughts a plenty, laughter and dips rather than downs if there are any. Many people have much darker times than me, I know that. Sometimes, I feel like I go for a little visit to see those people though. I feel the turmoil, the self-doubt, the negative self-talk. I see how dark it can be. I hear the screams of panic, cries for help and pleas for the pain to go away. I am lucky. Those times are fleeting for me. I probably get dragged there by my hormones if I’m honest. I visited this weekend just gone, but only for a short while. I’m back in my world now, and it is a sunny day.

Being back here gives me a chance to assess what I saw, felt and heard. It gives me a brief chance to talk to my subconscious about what is going on. This weekend I discovered that I’m angry about how our society parents in the western world (I’m talking a general thing here). I also discovered that I question my strength to bring another child into a world where parenting is in such crisis, putting them in potential situations that I’m not comfortable with. What am I going on about I hear you ask? Let me elaborate …

Personally, I feel that as a parenting society too many of us over protect our children and are judgemental of others. As a parenting society we are so afraid of hurting our children’s feelings, we can’t see through it to make good decisions for our offspring. As a parenting society, we act for our children before teaching them the tools to act for themselves. As a parenting society, in being so desperate to do the perfect job we are actually sending our children the wrong messages.

I put myself in the group of parent in crisis. I am desperate to do the best job, and ensure my child is not hurt in any manner. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself. But do you see how I am setting myself up for failure? I cannot do the best parenting job ever, because I am human. I make mistakes. There will be times I make the wrong decision. There will be times I lose my patience. But I also love my child more than life itself. I provide her with healthy food, clean clothes and motivating toys and activities. I try to teach her how to be a good friend, how to use manners and right from wrong. I try to teach her about the world, differences, similarities, how to be healthy and letters and numbers. I do the best I can do with all that I have. Surely, I am a good parent because of these things?

A friend of mine had something happen to her daughter at school with another child. She was unhappy, to say the least. Apparently, the other child was totally in the wrong, and the situation was dealt with at school. No child was hurt physically, and it was a ‘normal’ schoolyard one off clash as far as I could tell. However, my friend was in total anguish about the whole thing! She felt angry towards the other child. She felt angry towards the school for letting it happen. She felt guilty about sending her child to this school (they had recently moved there). She worried it would stop her daughter settling in and being happy. She entertained pulling her out! Stop. Stop. Stop. Surely this story should have stopped at, ‘the situation was dealt with at school.’ Perhaps rather than my lovely friend feeling so terrible about the whole thing, she should have stepped back, realised that in the path to being a fully developed social being children make mistakes! They do silly things that hurt feelings and occasionally body parts. Some children do things because they are hurting so bad inside. Perhaps rather than letting her child see the guilt and anger she had, she could have taught her how to be compassionate and loving. She could teach her how to be resilient and get back in that classroom with her head held high. She could have used the school community as a resource to help her child develop. She could have turned into something so wonderful, but instead chose to give her child a different message. In my eyes, the wrong one.

OH PARENTS OF THE WORLD HEAR ME! Putting your child first does not always mean instant gratification and even instant happiness for them. We must stop pressuring ourselves to be the ones who make our child happy 100% of the time. Our job is to teach them HOW to be a good, happy person in the world, who knows how to overcome obstacles when they arise. And they will. Just look at me and you!

So, how does this all come back to me and my blog about Secondary Unexplained Infertility? Well, I’m thinking I’ve (and by I’ve I mean my subconscious) been doubting my parenting approach at times, as it sometimes goes against the grain and in some small and bizarre way I feel a little guilty that I have brought Little One into a world that expects her to be bloody darn perfect despite her being so small. However, it is funny this is a thing for me, as Little One has many wonderful traits and we actually get lots of positive comments about her. She isn’t always perfect though. Yesterday she shouted at me because I had distracted her (it wasn’t on purpose!) and spoiled her playdough creation. I could make an excuse and defend her actions, like so many Mums do, but I’m not going to. Because she is not always perfect and that is OK. And that finally leads me to trying for Baby number 2 … Can I bring another imperfectly perfect little being into the world, to face criticism, judgement and labelling? Do I have the strength to just love my children for who they are, and ignore any whispers about their flaws? Do I have enough belief in the fact that my husband and I love them enough that nobody else needs to?

I think I can answer yes to these questions, because I am pretty sure it is fear who is asking them.

So, I count down to the end of cycle 24 … Bloated. Check; perhaps more so than normal, but hey perhaps I’m just kidding myself. Emotional and irritable . Check; and extremely so around 6dpo and 7 dpo. Swollen breasts. Check, well a little. I hope this is the one.

Why assume it’s me? Miracles do happen.

Have you noticed that I talk a lot about me? This blog is about my feelings. My thoughts. I don’t talk much about ‘we’, or ‘he’. He being the hubster. He is the most amazing man by the way. He sees the world in black and white, and is misunderstood by others sometimes but that is because he is pretty deep, and very thoughtful and spends a lot of time wandering around inside that beautiful head of his. He is also the most loyal, clever and balanced person and his opinion and thoughts on anything are extremely important to me. If he says our world is OK, I instantly feel lighter and safer. We are definitely ‘we’. We are open (not in a sharing each other kinda way, just to clear), and support and love each other. Big time. Compromise and understanding are key features of our relationship. It also helps that I find him a proper hottie.

During this infertility journey we have travelled a bit more separately than we would have liked at times. Thankfully, those times haven’t lasted too long usually ended up with a meltdown from yours truly, followed by cuddles and reassurance. Still, it has been testing. Infertility is tough on the relationship of any mother and father in waiting.

There have been times where I have felt alone in the first few days of a cycle. That heartbreak and disappointment are mine only. I have always known this isn’t true, but when in the hormonal dark cloud, I get these feelings, isolating myself. We experience those times very differently, and although I think he moves on quicker to look towards the next month, I know he hurts each month as we learn we won’t be seeing our future child on a scan monitor.

Hubster is also a believer. He believes we will hold that second baby at some point, and is more than happy to take whatever steps we need to, whenever I am ready. I’m far more emotional about this baby, and experience the belief too but also the angry, feet stamping moments when I don’t get my own way! This has no reflection on how much either of us want this child. We just deal with it differently.

The age gap isn’t so much an issue for him as it is for me either. He is more accepting of the fact there will be a large gap, and doesn’t feel bitter about our forced wait. Unlike me. As long as we get there he says. As long as we get there …

For two years we have focused on my wellbeing, body and emotional. For two years we have tracked my cycles, searching for an answer for the monthly disappointment. For two years we have paid thousands of dollars for me to see Miss Acupuncture so she can balance and enhance my reproductive system. For two years this amazing man has taken my tears and wiped them away, listened to my torment even though it kills him inside that he can’t make it go away and been the constant balanced and logical one in our house. I don’t thank him enough.

However, despite all of that, we have never shined the spotlight on him. Selfishly I have been all ‘why me?’ Hell, I should be saying why us? How are you feeling about this today honey? Does your body feel in balance? Do you think we need to enhance your swimmers? I’m not looking to point the finger here. But making a baby is a 50/50 thing. We both need to of optimum health.

Now, I know I write all about my feelings around this subject, rather than the numbers of test results, but here comes the science part. Well, sort of … Apparently, 80% of Unexplained Infertility cases are due to High Sperm DNA damage. So I read the other day. What the …? What is this? What causes it, and is hubster in a risk category for this? Why haven’t we come across this before? He had a sperm analysis and all looked hunky dory. Well acceptable at least, but this damage is something that isn’t tested on a normal analysis, so even when a SA looks good there can still be a problem. If it is true that 80% of Unexplained IF is down to this specific issue, why isn’t this something we have been guided to getting tested for as nothing else has come up as an explanation? If I’m honest, I think our situation will be something in the other 20% as I have had issues with spotting and long cycles. Maybe I’m clutching at straws to get an answer but maybe it is still worth doing the extra test to rule DNA damage out anyway?

I also read that most unexplained cases of infertility result in a pregnancy eventually. Eventually. Yep, well, that doesn’t feel like much of a guarantee when I am rapidly approaching the edge of dreaded mid 30’s fertility cliff. This same article I read said 6 to 7 years can be the time frame for most Unexplained IF couples to achieve a pregnancy. It’s good to know most of us can get pregnant, but for goodness sake, another 5 years of this. Cue stomping feet! I think I will stick with our plan to move this thing along a bit quicker.

I am still all over the positive thinking and believing as I creep towards the end of the first week of the TWW.

Case Study 1: I know a lady who had unprotected sex for 9 years before she fell pregnant. No intervention. Had a lovely, healthy, beautiful baby. Continued having unprotected sex after the baby was born too, but never fell pregnant again. Not a great story for me, wanting to get pregnant for a second time, but the point is miracles do happen. Let’s focus on that! Note to self: Think about contacting this person to find out how she was able to let fate decide the size of her family.

Case Study 2: Some good, good friends of ours had unprotected sex for 8 years. One miscarriage in that time, no intervention at all and recently, one beautiful baby. Again, miracles do happen.

Bodies are amazing things, and just because I am two years into a journey where each month has ended in disappointment, doesn’t mean next month will. Miracles do happen.

Daring to dream

I haven’t been here for a week or so. It’s been a little busy, but also I just let go. It has been quite novel. I have felt lighter, like a weight has been lifted, and mentally I just feel … I don’t know; maybe less claustrophobic. I’m not sure whether this is down to strong mental strength, or if I just don’t have the energy to harbour all the negative feelings anymore. Have you noticed how draining it is to feel and think negatively? It is so heavy.

My husband and Little One have been at the forefront of my mind lately. This is what is important. That’s not to say extending our family isn’t. Hell, it is desperately important to me. But the hubster and Little One, well, they are here. Right now. With me. Loving me. Needing me. Isn’t this what I want? I always wanted to be a mother. I have a ridiculous maternal streak. I always wanted to be a family. I have that. Infertility has taken my focus away from what I asked for, and what I was given. And oh, how in love with them I am.

In my last post, I talked about focusing on the positives and what our lives will look like (at some point) in the future. I could write a long list about the positives of my life right now. Des.Per.Ate.Ly. Trying. Not. To. Put. In. A. Caveat… And for the future, I can see me holding a newborn, with my husband and my (not so little) daughter smiling down at the baby. I see my daughter helping me feed and change this new little one. I can sense the love between them. I see two car seats in the back seat. I see a newly decorated nursery. I hear giggles as my daughter tickles and coos over her sibling. I feel warm and fuzzy about watching my husband carry this baby, confident and strong and comforting. I feel the joy of soaking up that newborn smell, of being the only person who can stop this baby crying. For the first time in years, I can feel this will happen. I can almost touch the image again it feels so possible. I’m not afraid to dream anymore. The disappointment hurts whether you dare to dream or not.

I’m not naïve. I know that for all the believing in the world, the facts remain that we have not got pregnant in two years of trying. Well timed trying. And statistically, the longer time goes on the odds are against us. If the universe doesn’t answer my call, well … let’s not think about that too much right now. But let’s just say this: I will always have loved the second little person in our lives, whether they make their journey to us or not. Whether through dreaming of them or through the reality of holding them close. When I look back on my life in my final moments one day, I will be able to say no regrets. I tried. I gave it everything. And I wanted and loved with all my heart.

So, the decision is that we will do IVF. I’m not sure when exactly, as I think I want to give clomid another shot or two, so timing is still flexible and I’m yet to talk to my Dr about this. Yes, I wanted to get pregnant naturally, but ultimately, we want a baby. I think this a huge step forward for me to get to this point, and it feels good to have given myself another option for making this happen. We want to be complete. We want the dream.

 

The Law of Attraction

It will be ...

It will be …

I read an affirmation card today at my Acupuncture appointment. It said something that spoke loudly to me … ‘Pushing too hard for something only pushes it further away. Ask for it and then let go.’

Considering the conversation I had just had with Miss Acupuncture, I felt like I was getting a clear message about what I need to do.

Let go. Want something, but let it come to you. Maybe it’s a bit like being that desperate teen girl, who has a major crush on some poor lad, and chases it so hard that she actually sends the boy running in the opposite direction. Come on, we have all done it! Perhaps my infertility is one of those situations where letting emotions get the better of me stops me beating it. Like quick sand, I’ve been fighting with frustration and only sinking.

If you have read my last few posts, you will know that I’m working on accepting our situation, creating a plan and opening my mind to different paths on our quest to complete this journey somehow. I had a fantastic cycle last month that didn’t result in a pregnancy, but did result in the birth of a new me I suppose you could say. The last few days though, I have felt a bit defeated. I was feeling like I was accepting our situation, which is good, but that I was just getting negative thoughts about not seeing the future I wanted. I was kinda giving in to the infertility, rather than accepting and opening the gates to new places. I guess I’m a bit stuck at the opening my mind stage.

Miss Acupuncture told me I have a strong mind. Not to blow my own trumpet too much, but I think she is right. I have always been stoic, but in touch with my emotions. I have always been able to deal with stressful situations calmly and logically. I have always been good at coaching myself through difficulties. My inner voice was always firm but kind; wise and helpful. I realise now that 2 years ago this changed. We went through something very stressful (which I don’t write about here, and I apologise if this makes it difficult for you to understand my story completely, but it opens up a whole other can of worms), and I think this somehow altered the way my mind works. I’m only realising now, that perhaps my inner voice, which has always been my guide, turned on me. Miss Acupuncture reckons it would be a massive help to turn my powerful mind back around to help me once again.

The Law of Attraction is a theory that basically says your thoughts become realities. Positive thinking brings positive things to your life, and negative thinking brings negative things to your life. So essentially, desperately wanting this baby but focusing on the emptiness, the worry of how this effects Little One, the fear of a forever empty womb and the panic of passing time means that I am attracting emptiness, negative effects on Little One, an empty womb and encouraging even more time to pass. I like this theory. It’s simple. It means I can do something positive to help us. I just need to re-train myself to think a different way. I need to want a baby but not let frustration, tears and anger control my thoughts. I need to enjoy the now. I need to look forward to a bump and an extended family. I need to let future possibilities, not future failures, take my mind wandering.

I remember when we going to start trying for Little One, I was concerned about my long cycles and what that might been fertility wise. I knew I was ovulating, due to charting and OPKs but I was a little worried that something was wrong. We tried for a couple of months, a possible failed implantation (spotting at 7DPO) but no pregnancy. And do you know what my inner voice said to me then. It said this: “We will have a baby. We will give it a year and if we aren’t pregnant by then, we will see someone and they will get us pregnant.” I replied with a relaxed exhale of air, imagined myself with a baby (at some point, no time restraints) and enjoyed trying to make a baby at the right times. I was too OCD to give up charting. The point is, I asked, I believed and we took the opportunity the next month. And then, ta da, pregnant.

I need to ask for another baby. I need to believe I will have another baby. I need to take the opportunities that come our way.

Stage 4: Project our future reality through thoughts and visualisations.